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I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when my dad approached me. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried. I continued to hammer as he came toward me.

“Son,” he said, “why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it.”

“Oh, I’m not using nails,” I replied. “I’m just hammering.”
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With that, I returned to my hammering. Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad.

“I said, stop hammering!” he yelled.

I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news.

“Look,” he said, “you can hammer later, but first–”

Well, I didn’t even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard “You can hammer,” that’s what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer hog.

Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, ’cause that’s the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and and made me stop.

“I’m afraid I have some news for you,” he said.

I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm’s length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that’s all. That apparently didn’t make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field. And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that I just couldn’t take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me.

“Son, come back!” yelled Dad. “What about your hammer?!”

But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice.

“As long as you’re pounding, why not use this?”

I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad’s outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him.

Why I am the way I am – IV

Grade: Kindergarten

Age: 4

It seemed like a regular Friday. We had alphabet, milk break and recess just like every regular day. After recess we’d normally just sit and draw or play and wait to get ready for the bus. Miss McNanny announced after recess that we should each pick a partner for “something special”.

That was an easy one, Steve Mohr. He was the kid that came up to me on the first day of kindergarten and asked “Do you want to be best friends?” and I said, “Yeah.” It was then official, we WERE best friends so he was my pick and I was his. Simple, right? Nope. It turned out that Wanda McKnight’s (or maybe it was Wendy they were identical twins and I just called them both McKnight) twin was sick that day so she didn’t have a partner so she got put with us. Steve and I shrugged and welcomed her aboard for the “something special”.

The bus was ready to take us home so the “something special” was apparently “something secret” that we’d have to wait until Monday to find out about. I think I was learning so when Steve asked me all excited-like “what do you think this is all about” I had a genuine fear and my stomach got a hard knot in it and I just stared out the bus window wondering.

The weekend was mine and I did not even think about school. Saturday morning cartoons with super sugary cereal then exploring the woods or a construction site. The neighborhood kids were always around and even though they liked to tease me they’d always teach me something or make me laugh, too.

Monday morning rolls around and I think about feigning ill health in hopes that the returning twin would get put in my place but I couldn’t do that to my best friend. He’s surely counting on me. To the bus stop. *sigh*

The big announcement: We are going to put on a circus. The kids all cheered except for me and the 7 year old. This is going to be bad. Very bad.

Just before recess everyone gets their circus assignments. Two kids were told they were elephants and they went out to recess. Two were tigers and they got released to recess. The two clowns got sent to recess along with the lions and monkeys, etcetera, etcetera.

Steve, McKnight and I are last and we get our assignments. “You are going to be the seals.” says Miss McNanny. Great. I begin to walk out to recess sans all forms of enthusiasm.

“Hold on,” she says. “You’ve got to practice.”

“But I want to go play with everyone else,” says me and even Steve started to protest. No one else had to practice. Just me and those affiliated with me. They were jinxed by association, I suppose.

“Don’t you want to do something special? More special than recess?”

“Ummm. No?” and I look to Steve for backup. He shrugs and looks down.

Miss McNanny had us throw a ball back and forth and after she watches us do it she must have though I wasn’t a good at playing catch because she tells me “You’re going to be the SEAL TRAINER! 😕

Now I was only 4 but I wasn’t stupid. I knew there were elephant trainers and lion trainers but I had never in my life heard of a seal trainer. What in the world was this lady smoking?!? We were just a few years out of the 1960s but come on!

For the next TWO WEEKS Steve, McKnight and I didn’t have recess and I’m going to be honest I was angry like the neighbors cat that I tried to teach to swim by dunking it in their pool. Steve and McKnight had to perch themselves on milk crates and I had to tell them to throw the ball to each other. I did NOT have to be there. I could have been AT RECESS!!!!! They can throw the ball without me telling them. I was distracted by the gleeful screams and laughter which tauntingly echoed from the cement recess area from just outside the realm of the seal trainer. 🙁

I went through the “practice” day without recess in and day without recess out and on the last day Miss McNanny invited the kids in grade 1-4 to watch our final practice. It was a dress rehearsal so all the other kids got to walk in a circle with animal or clown masks on and the older kids all clapped. 😕 I was forced to wear a red paper hat and a coat that smelled like moth balls and bad breath and got a big bushy mustache taped under my nose. I looked just like the guy that used to sleep on the bus stop benches down town. He had a mustache and a stinky coat, too.

Then it was our turn and I was not about to perform for anyone so I refused. Miss McNanny pushed the ball to me and I pushed it back to her and crossed my arms. She kicked the ball and it swept my feet out from under me and I fell and all the older kids laughed at me. I tore my hat and mustache off and threw down the malodorous coat and went to the rest room and hid until the bus came.

On the next day we found out that Miss McNanny invited our parents to watch our Cirque Du Imbéciles. I was mortified. I already got laughed at once and I decided that was never going to happen again.

The other kids walked around the parents and received their applause and it was our turn again. Steve and McKnight had stockings over their faces and looked more like bank robbers than seals. I had on my torn up hat, mustache and smelly coat and I totally choked in front of the parents, I couldn’t even talk. I couldn’t even move. My mom was there and I froze. Miss McNanny had a little music maker that was playing circus music and I pretended to be interested in it so I wouldn’t have to do my act. She tried to shove me out. There was no way I was ever going to perform in front of people again in my entire life. I hid my face against the wall and only peeked out once when Miss McNanny took my place and told Steve and McKnight to throw the ball to each other.

The next school day was almost back to normal. Recess was again mine. I think Steve was a bit upset with me but we were still best friends. My mom didn’t disown me so it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen but I never could speak in front of people after that. I can still see those fat, dirty faces laughing at me when I get in front of people and I still freeze up.

Lesson learned: The clothes (and mustache) make the man into a nervous wreck.

Last Comic Standing – The voting begins!

Marcus – winner of the challenge, immunity and a guaranteed spot in the finals at Las Vegas. It was a terrible challenge and I wouldn’t have been surprised if the “judges” had picked Abe Vigoda as the winner.

Iliza Shlesinger – Hi Iliza. 😀 How are you? *ahem* Claims to have written fresh material. I don’t know if it was or not. I will listen next time if possible. Iliza received 5 votes from me

Adam Hunter – He did alright. His delivery reminds me of the comic styling of Tony Orlando and Dawn (gah). Struggles a bit. Not comfortable. No votes from me.

Jeff Dye – He was funny and quirky today. He did a great 3 minutes. Still, no votes from me.

Jim Tavare – I don’t think he did anything this week. :shrug: Zero votes from me.

Louis Ramey – He’s so comfortable on stage. So personable. Definitely going to the top 2. 1 vote from me

Ron G – Yawn. Meh. Feh!

Seán Cullen – They say that people with more than a 30 point difference in their IQs will have difficulty communicating with each other. This was proven during the bed time challenge except I think there was more in the way of 72 IQ points difference. I laughed the whole time but he used words that contained more than 4 letters so I think he should have used a translator. If the need arises I have a friend that can help:
Mr. Jigglenuts
Seán’s performance in the standup portion was excellent. I gave Seán 4 votes because I believe if there’s going to be any violence on the show it will come from the mighty fists of Seán Cullen. I look forward to a severe beating very soon. Perhaps a great pummeling upon the face of Jeff Dye. I don’t hate Jeff Dye but I don’t like him enough to pass up on the joy I’d receive in seeing an incredible facial massacre.

Blow by blow – Last Comic Standing

Iliza Shlesinger – I love you more than last week because you helped me to never see Blahblah RJ ever again. Thank you. I swear I’ll listen to your jokes either next time or the time after. Winner of the second face to face and eliminator of 4 bad comics.

Adam Hunter – he also would have won a face to face against Paul Foot and Raja JJ.

Marcus – had a good run at the challenge. Nice work.

Jeff Dye – Obvious and rightful winner of the props challenge. By the way, dingle. The Spartans fought the Persians at the battle of Thermopylae, not the Egyptians.

Jim Tavare – I don’t think he did anything this week. :shrug:

Louis Ramey – Still my pick for the finals.

Ron G – Yawn. Meh. Feh!

Paul Foot – I thought he had a good run at it. Just didn’t hit with the fast paced audience. In his honor I’ve eliminated hallways from this and every future house I ever live at. Eliminated by Iliza at the second face to face. If you were still around I’d tell you to please quit challenging her.

Seán Cullen – Going to finish with Louis Ramey. I’m sure of it. He rants with the best of the ranters. His violent diatribes give me an unmentionable joy. I may be changing my mind by thinking he could beat Louis Ramey. I won’t vote for him because he makes me turn my TV down and I’m not all about getting out of the big chair after 7:00 PM. Well, I might vote for him if he gets in a fist fight with Ron G. Ron G bleeding from either or both eye sockets and lying unconscious in a pool of his own intestinal fluids would be the funniest and most entertaining thing he’s done so far. Seán, be a friend to your fellow comedian and help him in his career by beating him to a bloody sack of broken bones. Thanks pal.

Some guy I forget – I was really hoping for an announcement that the anonymous one got caught under the bus or got thrown out the window by Paul Foot instead of the nerf gun. Unnecessarily mean spirited at the end of his set and it cost him. He may have won had he not been such a jerk. That would have been unfortunate. Same lame jokes over again. You lose. Hooray! Eliminated by my sweet love, Iliza. You know, the one that Mr. Nobody said was not a strong commedian. Too bad one of Seán Cullen’s outbursts didn’t come to fruition in your direction.

Last Comic Standing rundown

Esther Ku – Rarely funny but the jokes that hit make you LOL. Eliminated at first face to face.

God’s Pottery – fricken hilarious but a one trick pony. You only need to see it once. Eliminated at first face to face.

Iliza Shlesinger – I love her. I hope she wins. I think she tells jokes. If she want’s me to laugh for her I will. Just tell me what to do Iliza. Return my calls! Winner of first face to face.

Adam Hunter – douchebag.

Marcus – impressionists never make me laugh and I can never figure out who they are trying to copy. Why is it supposed to be funny to act like someone else? His regular jokes are good the impressionism thing is ancillary at best.

Jeff Dye – funny-ish. Not the best I’ve heard but not the worst on this season. He’s cute. Girls will vote for him.

Jim Tavare – very funny but very dry. It’s almost like you already have to get him to want to bother to get him.

Louis Ramey – definitely makes me laugh every time. Seems like a decent soul. The others will eat him and try to pretend they never heard his name. If they don’t he will probably win.

Ron G – Yawn. Meh. Feh!

Paul Foot – Funny but doesn’t translate well. I hope he sticks around for a few episodes because I enjoy his act.

Seán Cullen – something decent from canada. I didn’t think it was possible. Some of his jokes don’t hit right away but when you finally process them, ZAM!

That’s the lineup for Last Comic Standing this year. It’s probably the best reality show because you’re supposed to laugh at it because it’s funny, not because it’s sad and pitiful.

Oh, wait. There is one more. Some schmuck named Papa BJ or Papa Dildo or Schlongrod CJ or something stupid. He’s the kind of comic you want to just punch in the face. Not because he insults you but because he’s so unfunny that a shattered frontal process is in order. Yeah, yeah. We get it. You’re from India, even our comedy is out-sourced, yadda yadda yadda. I hope he’s eliminated quickly. Not by the competition but by the mafia or gang violence or something equally satisfying.

HOUSE HEARING ON ‘WARMING OF THE PLANET’ CANCELED AFTER ICE STORM

According to The Drudge Report February 13. 2007:

The Subcommittee on Energy and Air Quality hearing scheduled for Wednesday, February 14, 2007, at 10:00 a.m. in room 2123 Rayburn House Office Building has been postponed due to inclement weather. The hearing is entitled “Climate Change: Are Greenhouse Gas Emissions from Human Activities Contributing to a Warming of the Planet?”

The hearing will be rescheduled to a date and time to be announced later.

You just can’t make this stuff up. 😆

Dumb commercials (updated with pictures)

Many of today’s commercials are pure genius. Some of them purposely tick you off by being so annoying that you talk about it and by extension the product they are selling (Head On apply directly to the forehead…) or they are funny so you use the catch phrase in daily conversation (So easy a caveman can do it). Roaming gnomes aside, you know what I’m talking about, right or should I say “Can you hear me now?” (sorry).

OK, so now I’m going to be the shill for Alka-seltzer Plus. GoodNESS! Did you see that commercial? They have a woman with bare feet, big duck-monkey feet, giant gorilla-platypus feet. I know why they are bare feet because they don’t make shoes that big. She plops the alka-tabs into a cup of water and then bends down to place the cup on the floor next to her massive ele-hooves that take up the entire screen except for the one square inch left for the cup. Then she jumps into the cup which magically grows to be able to encircle both enormous rhino-dalian clods and the smaller part of her body (the part that’s not her feet). The alka-seltzer plus makes her feel good and she jumps out of the cup and trods off leaving craters in the earth as she goes.

If someone here knows the lady, I apologize, I’m not making fun of her, it’s just that her feet are the star of the commercial. Good job to the writers of this commercial. I’ll never forget Alka-seltzer plus. Ever.

Trackbacked to:
The Trouble with Angels
Open Trackbacks Weekend @ Sam’s

Update: 16Feb07

By popular demand I’ve captured a few screenshots from the commercial. If you have an aversion to big honkin’ feet please look away.
Giant FEET!

More giant FEET!
Notice the pinky toe and its neighbor can’t reach the ground and the pinky toe is rolled 90º out of alignment with the other toes.

Site reviews

Imagine Kitty Magazine changed my life. I now consider the feelings of others before saying nasty things. Thank you Imagine Kitty Magazine!
– “Chicken” George

What did I ever do before IKM? Where have you been all my life? Ever since I was built in a laboratory my life was meaningless and unemotional. I’ve discovered the meaning of life and can feel a real heartbeat in my metallic chest cavity.
– A Robot

Klaatu barada nikto! Klaatu barada nikto! Klaatu barada nikto! Klaatu barada nikto!
– Klaatu

After reading Imagine Kitty Magazine I don’t feel like shooting lawyers in the face anymore. Reading Imagine Kitty Magazine is mind expanding.
– RC (name withheld on request)

The kids used to pelt me with rocks and garbage before I took the advice offered on Imagine Kitty Magazine. Now chicks dig me and men-folk envy me. Charles Atlas? Pfft! Give me IKM every day.
– Abe Lincoln

The fake reviews above were brought on by the fake reviews on this site. I happen to know the reviewer at the bottom and I happen to know that he did not write that particular review. You can tell the incoherent writing style in the reviews are the same as the writing in the main text of the page. Now, I am not encouraging anyone to actually write a review on the site or anything like that. 😉

If you’d like to review Imagine Kitty Magazine click here and I’ll add your wonderful review to the list above. 😀

Why I am the way I am (episode III)

Grade: Kindergarten

Age: 4

Miss McNanny announces another special activity for the day. I know I should have not expected much but I was only 4 and I was kind of like a dog. I’d come back after being abused every time.

There were about 33 of us in class that day so Miss McNanny had us make two rows of seats across from each other. 17 on one side and 16 about 10 feet away facing the other seats.

The idea for the day was to teach us telephone courtesy. She had two standard rotary telephones and a small switch board to control them.

rotary telephone

We sat down half on one side and half on the other. Miss McNanny put her seat at the end of the short line and worked the switchboard. The first two kids had the phones on their lap. One picked up and “dialed” and Miss McNanny made the other ring.

(Phone rings)
“Hello?” said the first kid.
“Hello, is Wendy there?” said the second.
“Speaking.”
“Would you like to come over to play?”
“Yes, I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
“Thank you, good bye.”
“Good bye.”
(Both hang up)
Giggles were heard all over.

The phones were passed to the next two kids. The other side got to dial and the other receive.

(Phone rings)
“Hello?”
“Hi, is Jimmy there?”
(In a deep voice) “No, this is his dad.”
(Class erupts in laughter)
“Just kidding, this is him speaking.”
“I’d like to invite you over.”
“Ok, thank you. I’ll see you soon.”
“Thank you, good bye.”
“Good bye.”

I’m about the 13th on my side and I notice that my best friend Steve is directly across from me and I will get to call him. How exciting. We finally get our turn and me and Steve both have phones on our laps. It is my sides turn to dial.

I dial. I listen. (Busy signal) 😕

Miss McNanny says, “Pass the phone.”
“But I didn’t get to talk.”
PASS THE PHONE!!!
I pass the phone to the girl next to me but Steve doesn’t.

(She dials and Steve’s phone rings.)
“Hello, is Steve there?”
“This is Steve. May I ask who is calling?”
“This is Audrey. Want to have pizza at my house?”
“Yes, please. Thank you for asking.”
“I’ll see you after school. Good bye.”
“Good bye.”

Now I admit, pizza is a pretty good offer but I was going to ask him to pretend to come over and dig a hole to China or maybe break a toy truck or something really boy like. But he gets a fake date instead. 😡

Can someone explain how getting a busy signal taught me anything about phone courtesy? Singled out again.

Lesson learned: Even your best friend will leave you for a girl. Especially a girl with pizza.

Trackbacked to:
Samantha Burns
Diane’s Stuff
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